What to do now....

      I haven't been blogging much lately. In fact, it's been months since I've posted.
     My dad had been sick and passed away the week of Thanksgiving. I'm still going through a "process" and I'm not sure how I feel about things. You see, I've taken care of him for the last few years. I started out doing little things for him, progressing to taking care of his household, taking charge of his healthcare and ending with him being in the nursing home, then the VA home and fighting the VA home staff to be included in the loop of his care.
     I had micromanaged everything for so long, it was difficult for me to not be informed on a regular basis of decisions that affected my dad's care & his life. I was CONSTANTLY at loggerheads (as they say...) with the VA home staff. If I asked a question and they didn't have an answer, I got "the look" as though I had suddenly and spontaneously grown a unicorn horn in the middle of my forehead. If I didn't get "the look", I got some vague answer or got sucked into the "blame game" that they play with residents' family members when relatives ask questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer.
     The blame game is when you ask a question and they give you the "look". You re-word the question, they look at you like you are a 3 yr. old and speak slowly as though you have a mental handicap or can not understand big words. When they are through with their "explanation" you know as little as you did before you asked. If you should be brave enough to continue the questioning, (this is where the "blame" part comes in), they begin with their version of mental ping-pong. They give you a vague answer and wait for you to "get it". If you don't in a couple of seconds, you get the "sideways look" and are informed that if you visited more often...you'd "know" these things...(insert rolling eyes *here*). Then you stammer for a defense. It's like an attack. You struggle with the decision to put your loved one in a facility thinking "if I just tried a little harder, I could probably still take care of him". Then you're caught off guard by someone blaming you for not trying hard enough to take care of them or for not having your loved one's best interests in mind because you haven't moved in the facility with them! Not only do I find that annoying, it's juvenile. If I had the time to visit each and every day and stay for most of the day, I would not have put my dad in a facility and I would have kept him at home!
     It was a big decision for me to put my dad in a nursing home. It was also a big decision to move him to a VA home when he was getting such wonderful care at the nursing home and it was 2-3 blocks from my home.  And yes, I did visit him every day while he was there. But, he wanted to be at the VA home 6-7 miles from my home because he wanted to be around people he would have something in common with. So, I relented and moved him when a room became available.
     I will always consider that move to be one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. Because of the staff, my relationship with my dad became more strained. It progressed to the point where it was suffering from trying to survive in a hostile environment. Near the end, my kids and I could no longer have a decent visit with my dad because staff members were making it difficult to visit. They would tell my dad that I didn't care about him any longer, and if I did, I would visit more often. They did this knowing that one of his biggest fears was that I'd put him in the facility and forget about him, never coming back to visit him ever again. It's mean to do that to a vulnerable person like my dad! I always made sure before I left that he knew I'd come back again for a visit. I told him this every single time that I went.
     They also told my dad that I was spending all his money and he wouldn't have any left if he needed to pay for healthcare. That simply wasn't true. I was paying down his hospital/ambulance bills because of several hospital stays and many ambulance calls in just this year alone. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and had started saving for future hospital stays and other needed healthcare that I knew the VA would not pay for. So he had money, I just wouldn't let the VA financial department know about it or let them have it. It was my dad's and if at all possible it was going to stay his.
      Also, the staff had my dad sign papers switching his direct deposit VA benefits to his personal spending account at the home. That would have been good except for the fact that dad could only have access to $5-$10 dollars at a time, never enough for his dental bills (not paid for by the VA) or extra meds that medicaid didn't cover. That had to come out of any little bit of money left after his bills from the VA home were paid or out of my family's pockets.
     These events strained our relationship because I was always trying to keep our heads above water. I would visit my dad early Sunday mornings. I pretty much had to sneak in to avoid being bombarded by the nurses with a bunch of bullshit about what was needed now. It was their job to take care of his day to day needs and they barely did that. Most of the time it seemed like they only wanted to make decisions and dump the work in my lap.
     Besides all of this, our relationship began to show signs of wear & tear due to my dad's slowly diminishing mental capacity. Over time, his ability to understand some things diminished. He started out no longer understanding things about his healthcare. Then it spread to his finances and bills. Finally after an episode where he and a lady friend became lost while driving, I had to step in and execute the power of attorney that he & I had put in place a few years earlier. When he moved to the VA he was at a point where he could still understand the basic, simple decisions to be made affecting his everyday life, but not much more than that. He didn't understand all the legal papers the VA staff made him sign. He was easily influenced and the staff took advantage of that and as of today, I still don't know everything they convinced my dad to sign. He didn't know either...
     While doing all this for my dad, I was handling everything at home as well. Normally that wouldn't be so bad, but my marriage has not been smooth sailing the last few years. The strain of caring for an aging parent with a myriad of health problems, including anxiety attacks at any given hour of the night or day, took a toll on my relationship with my husband.
     I also run a private school/homeschool. My micromanaging skills come in handy here! lol
     I have 2 children with developmental disabilities. One child has ADD, the other has ADHD and Impulse Control Disorder. They will deal with these issues for the rest of their lives. I use every teachable moment in daily life to help them learn to deal with these issues and learn to problem solve to make it in the world.  While I am blessed to have a good life compared to some, my life is not a parade every day. I have struggles like everyone out there.
     I have never regretted the sacrifices I made in taking care of my kids or my dad. I only sometimes wished for a small vacation for myself. Just a little time off to rest and recharge my batteries. Needless to say, I didn't get it. Until now. My kids are growing up some. They're teenagers now and are able to do things on their own more without mom constantly looking over their shoulders. My dad is gone. He was the only parent I had left. Most of my older relatives have passed as well. I have a few older cousins but we are not close so my family members are dwindling. I now have time for that vacation and I find myself asking, "What do I want to do?". I really don't know what I want to do. I've taken care of everyone else for so long that I don't remember what it's like to do what I want to do.
     When I had days where I was so tired that I didn't think I could run the world alone for much longer, I'd give myself a pep talk and convince myself that I wanted to do all this because I could do a good job and I could prevent a lot mistakes from happening. I took pride in being able to handle so many things at one time and still do a pretty good job. I never realized that my identity and self esteem had become tangled up with my dad's and kids'. I was lost and didn't even know it. That was, until my dad died soon after I had switched my kids to a new online school that offered more courses. Two whammies in two months. I had so much free time on my hands that I felt as though I'd lost a job or something like that. In all the condolences sent my way, someone asked what was I going to do now? As they stared at me waiting for an answer, I realized I didn't know. I had no answer and ended up saying so. They patted me on the back and said not to worry that I'd find something to do in no time. Yet, here I am almost a month later and I haven't decided on anything yet.
     I make lists of things to do and start out with much gusto, only to wind down hours later with a whimper of exhaustion. lol  So much for building Rome in a day...
     I guess that person was right. It'll take a while, but if I listen to myself, I'll find myself and something I love or want to do in no time.

I thought we were grown at this age?.....

A couple of days ago as I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes, I let my mind wander as I often do while doing mindless tasks and a quote popped in my mind. It was something that a commencement speaker (I think he was an actor or news anchor..) said in his speech to a group of college graduates. His speech revolved around real life & the things that really happen in it. He said not to think that the petty squabbles from the playgrounds of their youth ended now that they were adults and headed out into the real world. He went on to explain about the never ending dramas in life & how it's all about how we deal with things if we're to be successful or happy. While I don't remember the commencement speaker or speech from my high school graduation (still working on that college degree) I remember parts of this one even though it wasn't mine & I wasn't there. It was the first time I can ever remember someone giving advice and it being something we could all use! I was pleasantly surprised and listened spellbound to him speak until the end of the news clip. I kept thinking over & over "I wish someone had told me that when I turned 18". 

I really do wish that. It would have saved me a lot of headaches & hurt feelings. I'm not sure where I got the idea that magically at the age of 18 we all turned into grown ups. I think it might have come from hearing almost everyone say "wait until you turn 18, you'll be grown & then you're on your own". That's the only thing I can think of that would have mislead me that way. 

Boy were they wrong!!! There is no magic age of enlightenment!

In the last 27 years I have met and, sometimes unfortunately, had to deal with many a child cleverly disguised as an adult. The drama. The damn drama! Good Lord! I've dealt with petty jealousies, lies & deceptions, people who tried to embarrass me, people who judged me, etc. At first, I thought maybe it was the people in the small town I was living in. A few years later I had the opportunity to move and realized "they" were there in the big cities too. It wasn't too bad. I've always tried to pick & choose who I wanted to hang around with and feel fairly successful having picked a few good friends who are there for me like I am there for them. I have, however, picked a few 'adult kids' too. I try to 'catch and release' those when they show up. lol

I've had a pretty peaceful year so far. Not a lot of drama to complain about, unless you count my dad, who is a drama queen in a man's body. My God! He is certainly something else! But I just realized today that in the 5 years I've lived in this house, I've had a neighbor who is an 'adult kid'. She is spoiled, coddled, haughty, and sometimes just plain nauseating. I really want to tell her just to grow the hell up sometimes. I mainly ignore her little digs and pretend I don't notice how she looks down on my family & friends and other people in our little town. (She tries to sound SO nice when she speaks TO people but let her get started on someone and.....barf...) Sometimes I just really want to let her have it! LOL She has no idea what some people are going through. She probably wouldn't understand since she has been spoiled since the day she was born! 

She has managed to pass this attitude down to her kids, which is sad. Now there's another damn generation of idiots out there annoying people who act their age & want to enjoy being adults. What's even worse is that she has a job that allows her a certain standing in the community because it holds a certain amount of respect in society.  She has the opportunity to influence others. I can only hope they haven't learned the lessons she is living everyday. She is around the same age as I am. I would have thought we'd all be grown ups at this age...

Truth is, we are, but some people are only grown up on the outside...

Reverse gender polygamy

Okay, so I'm sitting here watching NASCAR and a commercial comes on FOX for a new series. I don't remember the name, I just remember the commercial. What makes it so memorable is that it has that girl from 24 on it. You know, the one at the end who was in love with Jack....Mary Lynn Rajskub is her name. In the clip, she's speaking to someone & says "We're reverse gender polygamists" and 4-5 men step out from behind her, waving hello. lmao! Too funny!


I started thinking about that concept & thought, "oh yeah! where can I sign up?" but, just as I began to get excited about all the stuff I could get done around here, it dawned on me.....my luck, I'd get 4-5 hubbies like the one I have now. In that case, Oh HELL no!! I don't think so! That would be 4 times the nagging to get stuff done. Four times the in-laws. Four times the laundry! no no no no!!! I won't be signing up anytime soon. There's no room for me on that bandwagon.....

You're fired!

"You're fired!"
     I said that to my kids just this afternoon. You should have seen the shock on their faces upon hearing those words. (I'm still chuckling...lol) You would have thought I'd just signed them up for the "Survivor" tv show or told them that we were going technology free for a year. They both just looked at me as if I had just lost my mind.
     Their dad had, minutes before, handed me a $20 bill to split between the two of them for their allowances. I always have to make change. You'd think he'd have enough sense to ask for 2 tens when he cashes his check each week...
     Along with the magic $20, I also got a monologue, free of charge, on how the kids should help out around the house more, etc, etc, etcetera......ad nauseum, when, out of the blue, it just dawned on me! I knew exactly what to say to get my point across.
     Now mind you, I do agree with my husband. The kids do need to help out around the house more. I shouldn't have to ask either of them to do something 200 times! It irks me, seriously. But this was a good idea I felt. So, I asked my hubby to call the kids into the living room for a family meeting. Once everyone was present, I said I wanted to make an announcement. I stood up, looked both teenagers in the eyes and said sternly, "You're fired."
     "What??" my son said. "Fired? what do you mean we're fired?" my daughter said looking at me and then her brother. Both looked at their dad, to which he replied, "Don't look at me. I don't have anything to do with this. I just do what she says..."
     They looked back at me, waiting for an explanation. I told then again that they were fired and this was why. I told them that they would each get their customary $10/wk allowance for this past week and that I would pay them each the $10 that their dad owed them from the week before. That would be their last paychecks and the extra was severance pay. I explained that this was how it was done in the 'real world'. If your boss didn't like your work performance, he had the right to fire you and hire someone else. They were, for lack of a better word, shocked!
     "What are we going to do for money?" they both asked. "Work for it" I said. "That's what everyone else does." Then I listened to a multitude of excuses why they couldn't do more to help out around the house. I wasn't buying it. I was ready. I told them that this was their last paycheck from me & their dad for doing next to nothing. I (we) would no longer pay them to watch tv, play video games, and play outside. If they wanted to make some extra money they could clean out litter boxes and clean kennels. This was supposed to be what they were getting paid for before, but I spent most of my time getting so upset that I ended up hollering at them after reminding them 6 or 7 times to get these things done. That wasn't fair to me. I did my chores. I washed, dried, folded, hung, and mended clothes. I cooked meals. I entertained their guests. I cleaned houses, mine and my father's. I also cooked for him almost daily. I worked outside the home, taking the kids with me, so that they would have an example of what it was like to work. They saw me work sick, well, tired, bored, and worried. They saw me struggle to get to work ontime battling the weather, unexpected guests, sickness, and car troubles. They had their examples of what it was like to work. You'd have thought they would know that things need to be done around here.
     They were informed that I would no longer be paying them for things they should do as part of our family. "You eat, you wash dishes. You take a bath, you take a turn cleaning the bathroom. If you weren't here, there would not be extra work, so you do your share. I'll wash clothes, but you can help fold and hang them. You will take care of your own things. If you want money, you can work for it, just like your dad & I do."
     It took a few minutes for this to sink in, but when they realized I was not joking and that this was real, they began to negotiate their pay rates. We all agreed upon $5/wk for them to clean the kennels and litter boxes daily. They would be paid on Fridays. If I had to remind them to do their jobs 3 or more times, I would subtract $1 from their paycheck. If I had to pay someone to do their job, that amount would be subtracted from their paycheck as well. It was only fair. If they didn't do their job, someone had to do it if I couldn't, for whatever reason, and the person doing it had to be paid. From my point of view I was paying someone to do the extra work either way so I was okay with it. Surprisingly, they understood as well. They were warned that temper tantrums would not be tolerated, so we'll see how it goes.
      I think I might like this "firing" thing.....
    
       who's next?........lol